


I've Lost Everything

by simpleficgirl



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Leon, BAMF Merlin (Merlin), Merlin finally explodes, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), Post-Magic Reveal, Protective Gwaine (Merlin), Protective Knights (Merlin), angry!merlin, can be seen as both, leon also calls arthur a prat!, leon calls arthur out on his shit, lord knows he needed it, platonic or romantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:14:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25818658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simpleficgirl/pseuds/simpleficgirl
Summary: Arthur and the Knights find out Merlin has magic when he saves them from a bandit attack they were definitely going to lose.Arthur has the nerve to say Merlin knows nothing of loss, and Merlin explodes on him, letting out years worth of pain and suffering.Arthur, needless to say, is speechless.OR: the one where Merlin finally has a breakdown.
Relationships: Gwaine & Merlin (Merlin), Knights of the Round Table & Merlin (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 1162
Collections: Merlin





	I've Lost Everything

**Author's Note:**

> I thought about this today and realized how badly I wanted a scene where Merlin finally just let go and let everyone know how much he sacrificed. How he lost everyone who was there for him. So here that is. :)

Merlin dropped his outstretched hand back to his sides and felt his golden eyes return to blue. The knights and Arthur looked around in disbelief as they saw all fifty bandits lying unconscious on the ground, the one who was about to deal Arthur a mortal blow lying flat on his back, sword still in hand.

Merlin barely had time to breathe out “Arthur” before Excalibur was pointed at his neck.

“You’re a sorcerer.” Arthur said, quiet and confused.

Merlin tried to nod, but felt the tip of the sword touch him, so he said “yes” instead.

Arthur tried to hide the look of outrage, anger, and utter betrayal from his face, but he knew Merlin could see it. He slipped into his kingly mask of indifference and called out to his knights behind him. “Bind him to that tree and gag him. If he tries to run, kill him.”

Merlin’s eyes widened, but he did not argue. The knights drew their eyes away from Merlin to stare at Arthur, shocked he would order such a thing. After a long silence, Leon slowly moved towards Merlin. Merlin simply reached his arms behind his back and walked over to the tree, helping Leon tie himself up. Leon had nothing to gag Merlin with, so Merlin said: “use my neckerchief. If you curl it into a ball it should work.”

Leon was confused that Merlin was allowing him to do all this, but he did as suggested, and Merlin was effectively gagged. Percival and Elyan stood rooted to the spot, staring at Merlin. Gwaine was staring at Arthur, looking murderous and ready to pounce on the King at any given moment.

Arthur was sitting on a log by their long since put out fire, staring into the distance at nothing. He was trying to collect his thoughts; attempting to reconcile the fact that his manservant, his friend and the person he trusted most in the world was a sorcerer, and therefore he was evil. The two things didn’t connect in his mind, but he had all the evidence right in front of him. Merlin never once took his eyes off Arthur, trying to figure out what was going on in his head, but the King had closed himself off, and Merlin couldn’t read him like he always did.

The camp sat in an uncomfortable silence for a long time. Arthur sat staring at nothing, Leon, Percival and Elyan watched Merlin, rethinking everything they had ever known about their friend, and Gwaine sat and watched Arthur unblinking, one hand on the hilt of his sword, ready to jump in to protect Merlin at any moment.

The longer Merlin was gagged, the angrier he got. He wanted Arthur to say something. He wanted the sadness and the anger directed at him so he got the chance to say all he had never been able to before. He had to take deep breaths to calm himself down when he felt himself get too agitated.

Finally, Arthur spoke up. He couldn’t even look at Merlin, let alone look him in the eye, but he addressed him anyway. “You’ve betrayed Camelot. You’ve betrayed me. All this time you’ve lied to me and used magic.”

Merlin tried to spit the neckerchief out to reply, but he couldn’t. Arthur kept speaking. “You’ve been my servant for seven years. I trusted you, and you have committed the worst act of treason possible.” The knights were shocked at the venom in Arthur’s voice as he spat out the words. They had never heard the king that angry, and they never imagined it would be directed at Merlin.

“Despite this betrayal,” Merlin felt the first glimmer of hope in hours, “I still believe you have been useful as a servant these years. Therefore, I will not execute you for your crimes.” Merlin knew he should be happy, but the indifference with which the words were spoken scared him. Arthur continued. “You will stop using magic, and you can continue to be my manservant.” Arthur addressed Leon. “Take out the gag. Let him speak.”

Merlin was angry, but he was also upset. He never expected Arthur to ask him to give up such a part of himself, and he didn’t even know if he could survive doing such a thing. Leon walked over to Merlin and looked at him with clear apology in his eyes, which confused the warlock. Out of everyone, he expected Leon to react the worst to his magic. Leon removed the neckerchief and Merlin’s mouth moved before he even had a chance to think about what he was saying.

“No.”

Arthur finally turned to look at him, eyes narrowed and extremely murderous.

“No?”

“I will not stop using magic.”

“That is your only choice. It’s that or die.” Arthur felt himself lose conviction as he said the sentence, but he remained firm.

Merlin held his head high and stayed put. “I will not. I cannot, stop using magic.”

Gwaine felt proud of his friend’s insistence, while Arthurs carefully created mask of indifference started slipping and he grew irritated.

“You can and you will.”

“No sire. I cannot.”

Arthur bristled at the way Merlin said his title. He had never heard it from Merlin’s lips when it wasn’t sarcastic. It sounded wrong.

Arthur steeled himself. “Then you will be subject to Camelot’s laws. You will be tried and executed as a sorcerer, for treason to the King and Crown.” Arthur hoped that would scare Merlin into submission. The other knights looked on, shocked, while Gwaine growled under his breath and started planning an escape route.

Merlin laughed humourlessly. “Go ahead Arthur. Take my life. You’ve taken everything else.”

Arthur’s mask slipped again. He wanted to ask what Merlin meant, but he couldn’t trust anything the sorcerer said. Percival beat him to it.

“What do you mean, Merlin?” Percival asked with a softness that Arthur believed Merlin didn’t deserve. It also hurt more than he expected it to when he watched Merlin’s eyes soften as he looked at the knights, before hardening once more once he looked at Arthur again.

With a deep breath, Merlin launched into what he had been aching to say for years, with a hardness in his tone that surprised even himself. He never dropped eye contact with Arthur as he spoke. “I mean, that I didn’t choose this life. I didn’t choose magic. I was born with it. Born with power beyond my comprehension. An ability to do things that aren’t possible for sorcerers who have studied for a whole lifetime. I came to Camelot to learn control, to get away from a village that saw me as an outcast. What do I get? A position I never wanted in the household of a man who would have me burned just for being born, and the discovery of a destiny that I neither chose nor was able to escape. Do you really think that if I had a choice, I would have chosen this life? Chosen to live my life in fear? Fear of what would happen to me, fear of who and what I am? You have looked me in the eyes for years and told me magic was evil, and I had to sit there and take it because I couldn’t afford to take the risk of showing you any different. I didn’t choose this Arthur, and I am not evil. Neither is magic.”

The knights absorbed all that Merlin said, marveling at the power that seemed to be radiating from him. He was so sure of himself, and they couldn’t understand how they hadn’t seen it sooner. It felt to them like they were staring at a legend, which by the sound of it, they were.

Arthur listened to all that Merlin said, and while he was moved by the words, and he really believed that Merlin was not evil, his father’s hatred for magic rang through his head and he couldn’t ignore it.

“I have lost so much to magic, Merlin. Even if what you say is true, that’s not enough to make me believe that magic is not the evil force my father knew it to be. I’ve lost too much.”

Merlin scoffed and muttered. “Do not speak to me about loss, Arthur.”

Arthur got defensive. “Please. What could you possibly have lost?”

“I HAVE LOST EVERYTHING!” Merlin yelled. The knights violently flinched at his volume, while Arthur’s flinch was almost imperceptible, but it was there, and Merlin noticed. “I have lost everything.” Merlin repeated, much softer. He curled in on himself, not wanting to divulge his pain to the others, but he knew he had to get this out. He had internalized everything for seven years and he could feel the words wanting to spill out. So he started. “My childhood best friend died for you, even though I could have saved him. He died protecting my secret.

My best friend in this life, the only person who has ever really, truly known me. The one person who always understood me, who knew when something was wrong, could always tell when I was lying…” Merlin got quieter, almost speaking to himself at that point, and the others strained to hear him. “He sacrificed himself for you so I didn’t have to.”

“Lancelot…” Percival whispered to himself, but the others heard.

Merlin looked up at the knight and nodded. He then turned back to Arthur. “He told me that my destiny was greater than his and he sacrificed himself for ME. Not for Gwen, not for you, not for Camelot, for me.” Merlin took a deep breath, and noticed that Arthur’s resolve seemed to be fading, like he was growing to understand what Merlin had experienced. ‘He’ll never understand’ Merlin thought.

“My father died in my arms the day after I met him, by a sword that was intended for me, and you told me that no man was worth my tears.” The knights all gasped, and turned towards Arthur, who looked pale and who’s mouth was open slightly.

“I-I don’t…” Arthur stuttered. He had no idea what to say. He thought Merlin had never met his father.

“And you…” Merlin trailed off, tearing up. The only person who knew about Freya was Lancelot, and he had only told him once. Talking about her hurt too much. Yet another person he failed to protect. Merlin righted himself, and looked at Arthur with eyes so emotionless it scared the other knights. “The one time I tried to escape my destiny, I was met with a cruel reminder from the gods that I can never have what I want. That I am simply a vessel sent to carry out their will, set with a burden too heavy for one man to bear. I fell in love. We were going to run away; go live by a lake with mountains and flowers and escape our troubles and our responsibilities. It was the only time I tried to forsake my duties and do something selfish. What happened? She was cursed, you killed her, and I had to clean her blood off your sword the next day.” As Merlin finished, he cast his eyes away from the pitying faces of the knights, away from Arthur, who looked like he had been struck, and up to the sky, blinking away his tears.

“Merlin I…” Arthur had no idea what to say. How had he not known that? How had he never recognized that Merlin was hurting in such a way?

“I have lost everything Arthur. And the thing is, I can’t even blame you. She was cursed, and she was hurting the people of Camelot. You did what you had to do. You didn’t know it was my father in my arms, so you tried to comfort me with those words. I didn’t blame you for any of those things then, and I don’t blame you now. There is no one to blame but myself. It was me who failed to protect and save them.”

The knights were shocked. They couldn’t believe that Merlin blamed himself for everything. If anything, his words solidified to them that he was good, much better than they all thought. He was the strongest man they had ever met.

“I know the law Arthur. But I will not apologize for using magic to protect you and Camelot. I am sorry I lied to you. I tried to tell you so many times. In the beginning, I knew it would get me killed, then, when we became friends, I didn’t want to force you to have to choose between me and your father. Then once you became king…” Merlin trailed off, not knowing what to say. He finally decided on. “I was scared. I had lived my entire life in hiding and it was just easier to stay that way.”

“I don’t know what to say” Arthur stated.

“Let me make it easy for you. I have never had a choice. I was told of my destiny, told that I couldn’t escape it, and told that I essentially had the weight of all of Albion on my shoulders. Honestly, if I had the choice, I would choose to protect you. All of you. You’re my friends.” The knights allowed themselves to be grateful for that while he continued. “But the fact is, I never actually had a choice. Everything I do, even to avoid fate, seems to cause it. So I am going to give you the luxury of a choice Arthur. You either kill me, or I come back to Camelot and continue to protect you. I’m not asking for anything. I’m not asking for recognition, that’s never why I did it. I’m not even asking to be anything other than what I already was. I’m simply providing you with your options. Kill me here and now, or I continue to serve you. I will not leave Camelot. I have sacrificed too much just to give up now and not see this through. The only thing I have left to give is my life. I've lost everything...everyone else.”

Arthur was speechless. He sat there, staring at his friend, mouth opening and closing because he had no idea what to say. Before he got a chance to say anything, Gwaine spoke.

“If you kill him, you lose me.”

Merlin turned to look at Gwaine sharply, went to shake his head and tell him not to do anything stupid, but he held his hand up to stop him. Gwaine looked at Merlin. “I was your friend before I was his knight. I saved his life because of you. I came to Camelot because of you. I became a knight because of you, Merlin.” He emphasized ‘you’. “I will not serve a king who does you harm.” Merlin allowed himself to enjoy the warm feeling that formed in his chest at his friend’s loyalty. He gave Gwaine a small smile, a real one, and the knight replied with one of his rare sincere smiles.

“You lose me too.” Percival stood up to make his point. Merlin looked surprised. Percival continued. “While Lancelot and I travelled together, before we came to Camelot, he spoke of Merlin often. He said that Merlin had saved Camelot more times than he could count, and that he was special. Very special. That he was kind and compassionate and Arthur was incredibly lucky to have him. Of course he never told me how Merlin saved Camelot, or how he was special, but that’s clear to me now.” The large knight gave Merlin a small smile as he addressed him. “He believed in you, and now that I know you, now that I am lucky enough to consider you my friend, I believe in you too.” Merlin teared up at Percival’s words, not used to so many sentences coming from him at once.

Elyan spoke next. “And me. Merlin protected Gwen. Protected her when I was too much of a coward to come home. Knowing what I know now I’m assuming it was you who cured our father of the sickness that hit Camelot.”

Merlin nodded. “I couldn’t let him die knowing I could save him. I didn’t want to see Gwen heartbroken.”

Elyan continued. “And you confessed to sorcery in Gwen’s place.”

“I wasn’t going to let her die.” Merlin said with the determination of one who is fiercely protective and caring.

Elyan nodded, satisfied. He turned back to Arthur. “If he dies, I am no longer a knight of Camelot.”

Arthur listened to his best knights’ testimonies, waiting with bated breath for what Leon would say. The others, to an extent, he knew were there because of Merlin, but Leon had been loyal to him first. He wanted his opinion.

Merlin wasn’t expecting much, but no one predicted what would leave the First Knight’s mouth. “You will lose me too, sire.” Merlin’s jaw dropped open, as did Gwaine’s. Elyan and Percival looked on at their friend, proud.

Arthur gestured for Leon to continue. “I used to pride myself on being the person who was most loyal to you, sire. The man who would give his life for yours without hesitation. Until Merlin. I apologize for saying it, but seven years ago, you were arrogant. You were self-absorbed, ignorant of many things, and you were, by all accounts, a prat.” Merlin tried to hide his snort. Gwaine was less successful. Arthur couldn’t believe what he was hearing, and Leon looked shocked that he had let such a thing out. He continued. “Merlin turned you into a great Prince and King, but an even better man. You are kind and caring. You listen to the plights of your people and you treat all with respect. I do believe Merlin caused these changes in you. I have never met a person more loyal in my life. And if it were to be anyone who could be more loyal to you than I, I am glad it is Merlin. There is not a doubt in my mind that he is good.”

Leon turned to smile at Merlin, who replied with a smile so bright and sincere that it actually made Arthur feel better. Leon looked back at Arthur. “If he is as powerful as I believe he probably is, killing him would be killing Camelot’s greatest defender. I will not serve a King who makes such a decision. Furthermore, I would not serve a King who harms a loyal friend such as Merlin.”

Merlin didn’t say it, but Leon seeing him as more than a weapon, seeing him as a friend first, sorcerer second, that felt better than he could ever describe.

“My life was saved by magic Arthur, I have seen firsthand the good it can do.” Leon said. He then asked a question. “Merlin, how many times have you saved Arthur’s life? Using magic, or otherwise.”

“Honestly? I lost count after my first couple months in Camelot.” Merlin said. Arthur looked shocked.

“And what do you use the magic for?” Leon was asking the questions, but he never took his eyes off Arthur. He was standing as the bridge between them. Filling the gaps he knew Arthur wanted but would never ask for himself.

“Small things, sometimes. Like when I have one of my ‘funny feelings’ on patrol, it’s actually my magic sensing that something is wrong. It’s why I’m always right.”

Arthur scoffed before he could stop himself. ‘Not always.’ He muttered under his breath.

Merlin gave him a mock glare, but he felt better already.

“Anything else?”

“I help with bandit attacks. Knocking people over, hitting them with tree branches, making them drop their swords, things like that.”

Gwaine laughed. “I knew there shouldn’t be so many loose tree branches!”

Merlin laughed too.

“What else have you done Merlin?” Leon was pushing because he knew Merlin must do so much more.

Merlin sobered. “I killed the griffin, with Lancelot’s help. I defeated the afanc. I killed Nimueh. I defeated Cornelius Sigan. I defeated the Knights of Medhir. I defeated Morgana’s immortal army. Any creature that we were told could only be defeated by magic, that was me. Oh! And this.” At that, Merlin created the blue ball of light that guided Arthur’s way when had been trapped by Nimueh.

Arthur gasped. “That was you? But you were dying.”

Merlin shrugged. “Gaius told me that I was speaking to you in my sleep, like I could see that you were in danger. Then apparently I conjured the light. Even when I’m dying I’m protecting you.” Merlin joked weakly. Arthur shook his head.

“So it’s you I owe Camelot to.” Arthur said. “Have any of my accomplishments in the last seven years actually been my own?”

“They are yours Arthur. I simply helped.”

Arthur snorted. “Helped.”

Merlin shrugged.

Arthur remembered that he was supposed to be angry, and his face hardened again. He tried not to let himself break at the way he saw Merlin’s face fall.

“I need to know everything, Merlin. From the second you arrived in Camelot to now. Everything.” Arthur said.

“There’s a lot you aren’t going to like. I’ve made mistakes. But those are not the failings of magic, only the failings of me. Please remember that.”

Arthur nodded and Merlin spoke again. “Does this mean you’ve made your decision?”

Arthur, upon listening to Merlin talk for so long, had forgotten there was a choice to be made. “Decision?”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “I gave you two options. Have you decided between them?”

Ah. Arthur remembered. He didn’t let himself get too angry at the way all of his knights straightened and slightly shifted in between him and Merlin.

“I have.”

“And?”

“And even if you hadn’t done all of that, I couldn’t have killed you. You can come back to Camelot. Good manservants are hard to come by.”

Merlin smiled then, and Arthur had a feeling that everything was going to be alright.

“Merlin?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you only stay because this is supposedly your destiny?” Arthur asked, feigning indifference, but Merlin could hear the insecurities in his question.

“No. I told you. You’re my friend. In the beginning, yes, but eventually I saw the man you had become and the king you would be. I wanted to help you get there.”

Arthur smiled and then joked: “Ah yes, the man you apparently made me. Isn’t that right, Sir Leon?” The knight had the decency to look sheepish, but the others laughing let him know that Arthur wasn’t actually upset.

Leon shrugged. “You know I’m right.”

Arthur sighed and then said: “Yes I suppose you are.”

Merlin chuckled.

“I’ll tell you all everything. No more secrets.”

Arthur nodded. “I’m sorry for those you have lost Merlin. I am especially sorry about your lost love.”

“Freya. Her name was Freya.”

Arthur smiled slightly. “A beautiful name.”

“Yeah, she was.” Merlin said, more to himself than anyone else. Merlin plastered on a fake grin, one that Arthur had seen a hundred times before, and he cursed himself for never having realized how false it was. He had let himself be placated by that face before, but he never would again.

Merlin readied himself to tell them of everything he had done. “Well my friends, I believe it’s time for a story.”


End file.
